Tuesday, January 2, 2018

It's a new year. I'm the same old me.

I'm not looking to break any habits or change my life. I'd like to be in better health. There's nothing that I can do that will achieve that goal any time soon. I'd like to be more outgoing. I'd like to be happier. I'd like to not have depression and anxiety. I'd like to win both of the huge lotteries this week.  All of the above is not in my personal grasp. I don't live in a state that has lottery.

What can I change? My outlook. My work ethic. My underwear. My blog? I have no idea. I don't know what's broken to fix it. I bought new underwear so I guess the rest of it will fall in line.

Stuff, y'all. It's all just stuff.

I managed to not finish writing the last book on my 2017 schedule. Epiphany is still unfinished, four days before Epiphany. By the time I finish it it'll be close to Saint Patrick's Day, when the second book was supposed to end. Ah well. I had personal business to finish. I finished it. Or at least my part in it. And I had to take the little kid shopping for new school uniforms because she grew too much this past semester. She went from girl sizes to a size 6 misses. Her shoes are now 8.5s. I can't complain, I wore a size 10 shoe at her age.

School starts back on Thursday. Six weeks until the Mardi Gras break. Yes we get a whole week the week of Mardi Gras, because no one would go to school the first three days anyway, so they finally did the smart thing and just gave us the week. Then there's seven weeks until Spring Break. Then seven more weeks after that until the last day of school. Not that I'm counting. I am. But... shhh. I mean I like when she's gone, it's quiet around here. She has other people to talk to. I don't have to entertain her. But... I like when she's home too. I don't have to deal with an alarm clock, and we can do more. Mostly I don't like the alarm clock. She's getting more self-sufficient. I don't have to do her hair anymore unless it's for something special. She's learning to take care of herself. She's almost twelve. High time.

My oldest child will be twenty-seven in a few months. I can't believe that. I can't. It's not even possible that I'm old enough... oh, yeah, I'll be forty-nine this month... never mind. I can math. I was twenty-two when she was born. I feel so old.

People I went to high school with have grandchildren. Thank god I'm not as old as them.

I know age is just a number. I see a fuck ton of grey hair on my head I lost count. I'd like to pretend those are laugh lines around my eyes. I don't laugh that much. Sighs.

I'm avoiding writing. I am. I know I am. I really don't want to finish this story now. I had plans for three more but I lost the desire to live in this world. I don't want to write football either. I had an idea for a pirate story this morning. A straight romance pirate story. 99.99% of my fan base would scream bloody girl cooties if I bothered with that one. Sometimes I find that interesting. Other times I find that upsetting. Sometimes I think about developing a new pen name and starting over. Sometimes I remember that I have no idea how I even got this far and that I have no idea what I did to get this far  and that's terrifying.

I have to cook dinner. Then I might watch Lethal Weapon. Then I'll get started on what I'm supposed to be doing.

I wish I knew what I'm supposed to be doing.

I have some half-baked plans for the short term. I'm going to post links to pre-order all of my print books in the next couple of days. I say pre-order, because I don't have the books in stock and in the past when I took promissory orders the books went unclaimed. So, if you'd like to buy a signed print book from me I'm doing a huge order soon, and you need to pre-purchase yours. I'll have Long Way listed plus everything that is currently in print. Cold Shadow and Beyond Complicated are not in print. I have no current plans to release them in print.

I'm also playing with Patreon. I have no idea what I'm doing with that yet. I have a couple of very, very, unpublishable short stories that could go through that. I wrote a very taboo side story to Bootleg Diva from the Cop's POV. VERY taboo. No one has ever read it. I have a version of Six Ways from Sunday woven into Any Given Sunday for one long 'Writer's Cut' of that story. If I posted that, it would be without cover art. I could finally write the second twin book.

I'm not critically acclaimed. Hell, I'm not even well reviewed by the review sites. I'm rarely ever mentioned in the year ending favorites posts, yet, sometimes I feel too many restrictions on what I can publish. Not complaining. I'd have at least one M-Preg out by now. Hell, I have that story already set up for an M-Pred story arch, which is one of the reasons I haven't written it. That and a knotting scene. I write some raunchy shit that no one ever reads. Mostly straight raunchy shit.

I like straight raunchy shit.

Anyway... I spent the last two years in some sort of downward spiral. I'm trying to figure out how to right this sinking ship with a broken compass. Forgive me if it goes astray... or aground.

Mercy

2 comments:

  1. Hey Mercy! I was randomly thinking about you today—which happens somewhat frequently as I wonder when I get can my next hit of the Southern Scrimmage universe—so I popped in. So glad to see this post. There is something about your writing that just calls to me. I can't pin it down, what exactly that addictive factor is, but your characters are just relatable and their situations create empathy. And I love that you're not afraid to get down and dirty and go places other authors won't (even twincest, as globally unpopular as that trope tends to be. And mpreg and knotting? Yes, please!). You write beautiful angst, and whenever I need a hit of that, I look for one of your books. And I would love to read a straight pirate romance—I say start a new pen name and follow what's inspiring you!

    Anyway, long post short, I just wanted to let you know that—end-of-year polls be damned—you are appreciated and loved. So hang in there and be good to you. Write what calls you and readers will follow. And if they don't, then new readers will come. It's all good. You got this. *hug*

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  2. Hi - I just wanted to let you know how much I love your stories, thanks for sharing them xo!

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