To Blog or Not to Blog

 That is the question this cold, dreary, winterlike day.

Well, first, Happy December. It came earlier than I expected, or wanted. But we're here now, may as well make the best of it.

But... honestly, I don't feel much like blogging. Not anymore. Nothing in my life is blog worthy right now. I have nothing to talk about that I haven't mentioned on Facebook. And I barely Facebook anymore. 

Writing anything now is just rehashing the same old same old bullshit I've already hashed in the last few months. I have no answers. I don't even have questions anymore. 

I know this will be the final Christmas in this house. I can't afford the mortgage anymore. I don't believe it will sell. I need to do a lot of cosmetic fixing to get it in shape to sell. It needs new carpet, fresh paint. Minor repairs. One major repair. And I just don't have the money or the credit to do that. Not dry begging as someone has pointed out. Just stating truth. Selling it would be nice. 

The problem is, I don't want to move to another house in Alabama. I always said when Aubrey is out of school and in college, I'm going to sell this house and get the hell out of Alabama. Aubrey is going to the local university and their financial aid doesn't cover housing. So, I must keep a place for them... SIGHS. They are sighing too, believe me, they want to be in the dorms and on their own as much as I'm ready for them to be in the dorms and on their own.

And that leads to other topics. The autistic adult child that lives in my house. The husband I don't want to ever move with again. Pets. Dissolving thirty-seven years of constant stress.

I never discuss my personal life in a public forum. I make that a point. I will talk about my children only in positive ways. I'm proud of all four of them in their own ways and capacities. I won't discuss my grandson, other than to say I have one. He's adorable. Curly blond hair just like his father, my son. The name or photos are not mine to share. 

But, my marriage is something I've chosen to never speak of. It is not a happy marriage. It hasn't been for twenty years or so. Sometimes, I'm not sure it ever was. I was too young, too stupid, and then trapped when I'd finally figured it out. And now, I just want it to be over. I'm tired. I don't love him. I don't even like him. I don't hate him. But there are times that I do. I feel nothing for him at all and just want to be free of him. The last ten years or so have been especially bad. The past five almost unbearable. 

I blame him for financial abuse. Constant fucking financial abuse. Constantly walking out on jobs or being fired just when he'd made it to an advanced position. Constant destruction of property. Cars specifically. Every time we had two cars and I had some minor access to freedom, he'd wreck one. Cars I'd acquired through help from my family. Or cars I'd financed. Totaled. He's totaled more cars in the last ten years than most people have in a lifetime. And I'm always the one to sacrifice my freedom. Yes I could take him to work, I'd have to pick him up at one in the morning. I have no interest in that.

I believe he wrecked three cars in rapid succession because he inwardly didn't like my success as a writer. I believe he chose to sabotage me to some degree after I financed the house in my name alone without his name or credit. I believe he figured out that I was working to control my own life and a future without him. Oh, he liked the money. Don't get me wrong. He didn't work for two years. He did like the money. But deep down I believe he resented my success. I know he belittled me and my writing to his work friends. I was mocked by a long time work acquaintance for writing smut, and  other choice demeaning words. I know it was a running joke in his workplace after he went back to work. I know it's still a joke. Because I've never met most of those people in my life but as soon as I do, that's the joke. 

I know that people he works with hate me, though never having met them. He likes to tell me that his manager hates me. I couldn't pick his manager out of line up if I tried. And I never forget a face. 

There's so much more that I won't put out in public. Things I don't want my kids to know. Things the older kids should know but were too young to figure it out. 

I'm tired, and I'm isolated and I can't build new for fixing what he breaks. And this is not a life I would wish on anyone. But that's where I am and that's the main answer to all questions of why... I'd rather never write another word than write romance when this is the bullshit I live with. 

Oh but he's not abusive abusive... he doesn't hit you... 

No, he doesn't. Because he knows I hit back and I hit harder. He knows that for an actual FAFO fact. 

But why did you stay when it's making you unhappy...

Four reasons. Only four reasons. I did not want to deal with child support from a man who would walk out of a job on a whim when he had a family to support, why would I think he'd ever offer any support. And I didn't want him to have custody... because other reasons.

Fifteen years ago when I first started as Mercy and started making a little money, everything was fine enough. I didn't expect to end up here. I thought the money would change my situation, with him, I thought he'd stay employed. I thought he was supportive. I didn't love him. He'd destroyed that already. I just thought we could make it through and raise our youngest... I began to question my sanity. I couldn't go to book conferences and trust him to stay home with the kids. I couldn't even write because he had to have my constant attention or he made life miserable. He didn't respect me. He didn't respect my career. He made that very clear. But he liked the money and he liked not working and he liked sitting around all day watching TV. and he hated when the money dried up and he was absolutely furious when he had to go back to work, so he totaled his car... because I could go anywhere I wanted during the day and for some insane reason that made him... hell I don't know. Destructive. If we don't have two cars she can't go meet other people and have a life but I don't want to do anything but watch TV to watch porn. But she writes smut and it's embarrassing so I must degrade her to my co-workers. She's controlling. She wants the fucking trash taken out. We had a full fledged fight about the trash when I wasn't even in the room and hadn't said one damn word to him all day. He had it, outloud, in the kitchen, by himself.

So, I stopped writing sex scenes. I stopped writing romance. I was replacing him and killing him off in my books. The gay shit embarrassed him. (his words, not mine). 

And in the end... he won. Everything I built he destroyed. And I just want out. My youngest is an adult. There's no reason to stay. But now he's sick. He's showing signs of dementia. He rages. He can't see well, he won't do anything to help himself. And I'm fucking stuck.

So, yeah, this has been a blog post I have started a thousand times just to get my anger and rage out but I never post it because it's airing my dirty laundry in public. Something I find repulsive. 

This is why. To all the questions. Why there will never be another book in any series. Because that's just one more thing I lost. My ability to separate my personal life from my characters. And my ability to control my own anger that I can't express in real life. Because I'm the stupid bitch who married someone beneath me because I thought I could change him into a better person and got pregnant every time I tried to leave.

But I wouldn't trade my kids for all the peace in the world.

So... yeah. This most likely will be the last blog post. Comments will be turned off. I didn't write this for sympathy or attention. I wrote this to answer the questions for once and for all. I will never write another HEA when I will never have one. And that's the best I can say on it.

Thank you for years of support and for buying my books. Wishing you the happiest of holidays.

And most importantly,

Peace,

Marcia

Decisions Made

 As of this morning I've pulled all of the books with a female MC from sale on Amazon. 

The decision to do this wasn't made lightly.

I spent this week updating my record keeping focusing on the last two years specifically, and in the last two years those five books may as well never existed. Even on Kobo in Kobo plus, those five books have never sold a single copy... ever. 

Now, what I do with those books is still undecided. I've considered updating two or three of them and republishing them under a different pen name. But right now, I don't know if that's even allowed. Those books are still subject to the KU rules for the next month or so, so I'm in no rush to make the harder decision there.

AND!

And I've pulled Under a Crescent Moon from sale everywhere except my Payhip store. I will pull it from there at the end of November, so if you want the current edition, now is the time to get it.

I do plan to totally refurbish that book. I'm still short of what I need to fund print covers but I have what I need (mostly) for a new e-cover. I just don't know what I'm looking for in a new cover. Or if I should change the title.

I'm not entirely fond of the title, I was rushed to settle on a title when I sold the book to the original publisher and then got stuck with it when I decided it wasn't right. And now that it's been out for nearly two decades I just don't know if I should change it. Or... if Amazon will ever allow it back into KU in the future and what might happen if I sneak it past them. Remember, Moon was blocked from KU due to shenanigans with the original publisher.

Which does lead me to wonder what title I'd like if I do. I do want to keep Crescent Moon. I just don't like the Under part.

Other decisions still not made.

SIGHS!

The MM books that have never done well.

What do I do with them?

I would like to disappear them and pretend they never happened. I still don't understand why they were ignored. Meh, I will never know.

I know that Need You Now, a sexy, slightly dark themed, short story has never done well at all. It's not much different than Beyond Complicated or In from the Cold, just shorter. But, nope, nothing. Doesn't help that Amazon sent it to the erotica dungeon. I don't agree with their erotica classifications. It's explicit, yes, it has a full plot with a happy ending, so I don't classify it as erotica. But there we are. An emotional little story with lots of sex... and nothing. 

Y'all send me mixed signals. You know that right? Like, the books that sold very well early on were dark, erotic, and twisted. I write more dark, erotic and twisted now, and nothing. But those books still do okay.

But, the not dark, not erotic, and definitely not twisted books are rejected completely.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT Y'ALL WANT FROM ME!

I'm told I complain too much when I ask.

And speaking of Dark, Erotic, and Twisted. Beyond Complicated has been my best seller for the past few years. Last month in KU it started booking along with some hefty page reads, and then it fell off to nothing almost immediately. The graph shows an 8k page read day then it nose dives to the ground and has never recovered. No sales. No page reads. Nothing showing for a month now. 

I don't get that. I honestly don't understand. And I swear it seems so suspicious. 

But I can't prove it. It makes me feel paranoid to say that I believe Amazon chose to suppress my books. To say that I think they out and out... do other things... is insane. But explain why that book, specifically, started hitting and immediately flung itself off a cliff? 

ANYWAY!

I did not mean to go off on rants. I'm trying not to do that. But...

ONE LAST DECISION to discuss.

From now until the end of the year the 28 books still on Amazon are on sale for $2.99 or less for the holidays.

If you haven't gotten them, get them now. I have not decided if I'm archiving several of those books yet. I will make that decision by the end of the year. 

And if you want to buy straight from me, I still have titles available in my Payhip store. Including the twin book. Just click the STORE tab in menu to find the link.

And if you'd like to help me fund the complete refurbish of Crescent Moon, please "buy me a coffee" HERE!

I plan to start on Shift in Time next and would love to get a jump on funding that refresh now too, if it's not too much to ask.

As always,

Peace,

Mercy

Decisions Decisions

 I know I talk about my frustration with the writing and books and publishing world. A lot. Ad nauseum. And my place in it. And my inconsistent message is not lost on me. 

I do understand your frustration with me. I do. 

I don't understand how I got here, but that's not really a topic any of us have time to pick apart.

I know that writing a new book would cure some ills. But, again, the last ten new books I wrote had little to no sales. So, again, that's where I am. I've written new. I've offered the new books for as close to free as I can. In two different subscription services, 99 cent sales. anything to try to jump start interest in them. And nothing ever works. 

Over on FB I'm talking to an audience that has followed me forever and have everything. That's awesome, I love seeing the same faces comment and interact with me. It makes me feel remembered. But that doesn't get my books in front of new eyes. So, the best I can come up with is there's no interest in what I write. And that's the best I got right now.

We're coming to the end of another year. The mid-decade year and I am once again pondering the future, daily, and what I want to do as far as writing is concerned. 

One day it's write something new, get over myself, do what you used to love doing.

The next is, delete it all and walk away.

Realistically... honestly, except for the handful of people on FB I doubt anyone would notice what I do either way.

That's because you bitch and moan about it too much, it makes people uneasy and they leave. 

Gotcha.

I am not a Pollyanna. I can't be a Pollyanna. I will never be that type of person online. Because all I know how to be is me, and me is a great big bag of not good enough so why bother... and that's not going to change either. 

So... what's today's decisions decisions... because I hear you rolling your eyes and saying just get to the point, sheesh-- 

Not going to lie, there is very much a delete everything purge coming. I should have done it at the end of October but I'd already commited those books to Kindle Unlimited. I mean, I can still pull them, Amazon doesn't care as long as they're not published elsewhere in their unlisted still in KU time.

Between December 20 and January 2nd, my books will start falling out of KU. And I will delist and archive several titles. And that includes all but the first three Scrimmage books, even On the Side (last man standing). 

Why?

Because, despite the constant inquiries as to when the next book will release, those four books have never sold that well, OTS lifetime under both titles units paid doesn't even reach the 25% of units paid that OC had. And that is why I stopped writing the scrimmage series, lack of paid interest.

All books with a female lead will disappear. Even the MMF. I've decided to update a couple of them and re-release them under another pen name, and maybe carry on from there with a sequel or two. I don't know.

After that, it gets tricky. The last three MM releases have gone ignored almost completely. I will pull them, and decide if I should archive them or revisit and repackage them. Not that I have the money to do that, but, that's the best I can say.

I'm flat out removing Need You Now and Courting Sin. I'm tired of trying with them. River's Edge is most likely being archived, I will revisit One True Pair and Falling Back. OTP needs a new cover, probably a cartoonish one. And maybe an editing pass. Falling Back, maybe a cartoon cover, maybe oblivion, I'm unsure. 

And that leads to Shift in Time, Under a Crescent Moon, and Into the Gloaming. 

I still want to re-package Moon. I'm still asking for help paying for new covers for ebook and print. I need about a hundred fifty more to start. If you'd like to help me fund that, my ko-fi link is in my linktree, just click the about tab to find that. 

I can't even pay anyone to read Gloaming, and as much as I love it, that book is going to archives. 

Which leaves Shift in Time. 

Another book I love that just never seemed to hit with readers. Sentimentally, I'd like to do a cover refresh and repackage. Realistically, there's no point.

And that's where I am right now.

I'm tired. I will try straight romance with a different pen name. Whether I continue past the end of the year as Mercy with anything new to come remains to be determined.

I feel I've overstayed my welcome and it's time to move on. I've beaten this horse into dust and this is all I have left, some bitter posts begging for help.

And I'm as sick of asking as you are of being asked.

So, I guess this is it.

Sure I'll circle back around between now and then, and we know I'm too chicken shit to pull the plug. But honestly, it's been ten years since my last book hit with an audience, why keep on keeping on.

I'll leave you in peace now.

If you can help that would awesome and I thank you.

If you don't have those books, I discussed above, you should probably get them, might I suggest checking the STORE tab in menu for better prices.

As always, 

Peace,

Mercy

Another November Book: And Missed Anniversary

 I should really put publishing anniversary dates in my planner so I can keep up with it all. I missed a whole bunch in the last month. 

I discovered this particular missed anniversary while posting to my November set books social media mini-blitz.

Soo... Happy 10th Anniversary to the book that killed my career. At least on paper. 

Out of the Blues

November destination wedding. Brother of bride meets half brother of groom. A little forced proximity spiciness. A whole lot of family drama. 

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Happy 14th In From the Cold

 Technically one day late but since it didn't publish until the 12th, today is the official 14th anniversary of my debut self-published book In From the Cold.

I'd forgotten.

I usually do.

It's been a very long time since I've thought about that book and those characters. Sometimes I can't remember their names. Long Long time. 

No, I'm not going to write a book about the making of this book. Because I honestly can't remember much about the inspiration or why I wrote what I wrote. I remember the bullshit with Cobblestone Press and the horrible editing that removed whole paragraphs and just left it that way. And the two weeks it was published and the fight to get my rights back that started before it was published. 

That, I remember. The butchering of that book and the bullshit that followed. But, with pressure from other authors and some from the original cover artist, they cut their losses and I got my rights back, with the request that I wait six months to republish. Contractually, I didn't have to honor that request, but I did. And I had it edited again, from my original, and a new cover from the original artist. I think this book has had more new covers than any book I have. Other than Behind Iron Lace that is. But yeah, I think this one wins that award.

Anyway, happy official 14th anniversary to me for the launch of my self-publishing foray, and to In From the Cold finally seeing the light of day. 

And to answer the question that will be asked. No. I have no plans to write the final story. It ended on a HFN and I'm leaving it at that. Though, I really should have the cover altered to change that word.

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The Dream: 15 years Later

 More like twenty-five years later but for the sake of this post, let's just say fifteen.

Okay, long story short, I started writing my first book when my third child was still in diapers. I finished it when she was still in diapers. She was a late potty trainer. The child just turned 30. I never published that book. I mean, it was terrible. It's still here, buried. But I still have it. It's not on the computer. I hand typed that thing. 

Skip a few years and I finally did sell my first two books to Ellora's Cave. But again, not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about Ellora's Cave waving their right of first refusal by pretty much telling me they were no longer interested in publishing me (but they sure as hell weren't parting with those first two books) therefore allowing me to take my two finished books to other places.

And since I was starting over, I changed my pen name. 

And fifteen years ago round about now Mercy Celeste was born.

Okay, not born, but definitely conceived.

Fifteen years ago this month I wrote my second story as Mercy. Wicked Game. But, again we'll talk about that in a year.

On January 24th, my first book as Mercy was published. Double Coverage. I'd written it specifically for Ellora's Cave, making it as dirty as I could. Two guys, one girl. But I did not have the guts, yet, to finish that story the way it should have ended. I kept it straight. No touchy with the guys. And I regretted that. And I would change that. But again, a story for later.

Over the last fifteen years I wrote and published thirty-four works. From very short story to very long novel. Some I regret, most I'm proud of. I published a one more book in that time, that I'd written pre-Mercy but it very quickly was pulled and never thought to dust it off and try again under a different pen name. I wrote another short under just Mercy that also went away, mostly because it was pulled from every site, even smashwords, it was that taboo. So I wiped it out completely.

I should amend the time-frame a bit, since I haven't written or published a damn thing in three years.

I did all of that in twelve years.

But this post isn't about the books I've written and when I've written them. It's about the last fifteen years of chasing the dream I've had since 9th grade, circa 1983 or so. When I read The Outsiders for the first time. Just before the movie came out. And I found out the author was sixteen when she wrote it... and that's when I knew. Exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to write...

I suddenly have a very early U2 song in my head, Stories for Boys... 

I didn't know fifteen years ago when I was writing Wicked Game that I wanted to write gay romance. I knew that I wrote female characters that were much more like me than other women... yes, it's the not like other girls trope that people hate. But I'm not like other girls. I'm not like a girl at all. Or a woman. I'm not interested in writing rom coms with bubble headed girls tripping over their feet for some guy while being an astronaut by age 23... I wasn't interested in pink and bows and doggies in bags. 

Why yes I do sound like a bitch. And so did my female characters. I wrote girls/women like me. 

And I still wasn't comfortable writing them. 

So, it took a long conversation with a writing friend to figure out what I wanted to do. Which, incidentally, coincided with the rise in popularity of a certain genre. And with a little inspiration, off I went.

Did I know what I was doing? Not exactly. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely. 

And I'm not talking about mistakes in writing. I'm talking about mistakes in choosing where to publish. 

Still not counting the first two books with Ellora's Cave which was a whole shit-show of it's own. I published my first nine books with four different publishers. One of those books was republished with the fourth publisher after the mess at Silver.

Only three of those books made it through without having trauma attached to them.

I wish I hadn't needed a publisher to launch me into the business back then. I wish I'd had a better experience with more than one publisher at least. I wish...

I wish so much. 

I wish I could have landed an agent. I wish I could have...

If Wishes Were Horses... I know I know. Wish in one hand and spit in the other... YES, GAWD, I KNOW!

I was in Target today.

I know, the boycott, I know. I only buy petfood and some food and cleaning things there. It's not like I have many options for those, you'd think there would be more options in a city this size, but alas.

Anyway, I was in Target today, tooling around looking at the Christmas stuff, when I followed my youngest down the book aisle.

And all the romance covers. 

SO MANY ROMANCE COVERS.

From people I actually know, or knew would be better, from on line groups and in person groups.

And I hate every one of them.

I mean, I don't hate them. I just... wanted to have that. I've been chasing that since 1999 and I'm just about as close to that today as I was back then.

As in, I have no idea what I'm doing, but unlike then, I stopped trying.

SIGHS!

Yeah.

My fault. I know. I killed it. 

So, here I am, in the month of NaNoWriMo fifteen years later thinking about the book I wrote in that one month and the one I'd just sold to Liquid Silver that would become the first Mercy book. And in December fifteen years ago I would write The 51st Thursday, the immediately start In from the Cold then Behind Iron Lace. And all of those books would come out in 2011... and I have to wonder what I could have done differently. Or if I should just be grateful for what I got that would lead me to self-publish and for that oh-so-very-brief-time to believe I'd managed to make that dream real and walk away.

Fifteen years and I'm right back where I started. Nowhere.

How do I fix this? How do I carry-on? What's the path?

The cold hard truth is, even now, after the success of several MM writers, in mainstream, there are still no gay romance books in Target. I stopped looking at Barnes and Noble, because deep south and all. And with Amazon doing what they're doing (I believe my books are suppressed but that's just me being paranoid) is there anyplace for Mercy now?

Fifteen years. 

I can't believe it's been this long. I wish is was longer. 

So many wishes.

But one damn thing I can say, I had a dream, and I achieved that dream, even if it was more a nightmare on the business side of it, I did it. I've written forty books in twenty-five years. How many people can say they've done that?

And I'll leave it at that.

I had thought I'd come in here and write about the great plan to celebrate Double Coverage on January 24th next year. To celebrate fifteen years of Mercy. But, I don't think I will. I'd rather not and walk away with what's left of my delusional dignity intact. And I never was one for planning parties anyway.

So that's it. I guess. 

Just thoughts on a random Thursday.

Will chat with you again, when the urge to opine hits again.

Peace,

Mercy