SIGHSSSSSSSS
Best intentions my ass.
Okay, Sunday. It's Sunday. I think. Only one person is leaving the house on a daily basis right now, and he doesn't have weekends off, so I never really know what day it is. During the school year I know it's a weekday when Aubrey leaves, other than that... not a clue.
It's more than just schedules. It's ADHD time blindness. I didn't know that was a thing. I didn't know I had ADHD either but that's a longer conversation. I don't have the kind of time blindness that makes me late for things. In fact, I have the opposite of chronically late. I'm chronically early. Because when I have a set time to be somewhere, that is all I can focus on. Anything up to that time doesn't exist. I have my route planned, I know exactly how long it will take to get there from here, with traffic, I will never be late. But I can't do anything before that because I fear I will forget and not leave on time. Which is a messed up form of time blindness.
No, my time blindness is blink and time has passed and I didn't notice. It's get involved in something and hours pass and it's how did that happen. Or worse, days. I read an email or a text or a message of any kind but can't answer it immediately, I won't remember it for days. Days pass and I'm like wasn't it just the first? Now it's the seventh. How TF did it get to be the seventh? It was just the first? How TF is it July it was just May? Where did June go? This... this is my time blindness.
I used to think I was just a procrastinator. I have all of the markings of a last minute person. I used to put everything off to the last possible minute then rush to get it done. I wasn't, and I'm not a procrastinator. I simply forget the thing needs to be done until I'm reminded. I put it in a compartment in my head and forget to check the compartment.
And yes, I've tried planners and calendars and reminders and that doesn't help. I forget those exist and don't check them. I have a large white board with calendar squares. I don't update it.
The thing of it is though, is that I have semi-eidetic recall. I remember every goddamn thing that isn't important. I can remember entire conversations from elementary school. I remember what people wore when they wore it. If I've been there once I can find my way there again years later without a map. I know when songs were radio hits. If it's past, and not the slightest bit important, it's locked forever in my brain to bring up and play with however I want. Stupid facts. Little details. Doesn't matter.
Remembering to put shoes on before leaving the house, or changing the laundry out, or what fucking day of the week it is... yeah, I can't do that.
On the flip side. I don't lose things. Unless someone moves it, I know where everything is. I never lock my keys in the car. I never leave them in the door. I've never forgotten anything important, like a kid in the car. I'm not absent minded. However, I have put things away for "safe keeping" and never found it again. I don't know what happens there.
Living in my head. It is not for the weak.
And that's why it feels like I'm always chasing my tail. At least part of it. There are other contributors, all ADHD coded, like executive disfunction/paralysis. The super focus that becomes complete disinterest mid-way through a project. The "ooh shiny" problem. The I can do anything reasonably well, but can't be bothered because it doesn't fit today's agenda. The I can't watch or read anything because I can spot the plot points in the first little bit. The fast moving brain function of knowing what people will say before they finish saying it and cutting them off because my brain already processed, accurately.
And all of this fell under the heading of Marcia is really weird and annoying.
No, I'm neurodivergent AF and it's getting worse as I age. The things I did when I was younger to control this mess no longer work. So I'm losing more time. And in steps panic and paralysis to fuck things up more. And my weird little obsessions that used to translate to creating worlds and stories feel wrong and it spins and whirls and spirals and that's when time catches up and it's now hours, or days, or weeks, or even months later and I just remembered what I was supposed to do so long ago that it no longer matters....
Yeah, welcome to my reality. Spend five seconds in my head and you'll curl up in a ball in the corner and never recover.
And today's spiral was brought to you by the letters W, T, and F. And by the number 7.
If I remember what I was planning to blog about today, I'll get back to you when my brain circles back to this post.
Allow one to infinity working days.
As always,
Peace,
Mercy
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