Bittersweet

 I took the majority of my books off Amazon today. The final 8 still in KU will leave Saturday. 

Part of me is terrified. Like, this is the platform that made me. Why am I deserting what made me?

But as the books came down today all I felt was relief. 

Relief that I am no longer trapped in the never-ending cycle of wondering if I'm being paid what I earned? 

Well, shit Marcia, paranoid much?

YES!

And it's not paranoia when it's actually happened and continues to happen.

I'm tired. Tired of all of it. Tired of trying. Tired of failing. Tired of the game.

But nothing is ever going to change if all I do is sit around and bitch and moan about it. 

So, that's it. The last time you hear me complain about what I lost. Or threw away. Or destroyed. Or had stolen from me.

Because I'm sick of myself.

Do I want to write? Yes. Do I want to continue the same destructive course to achieve the same nothing? No.

So, we know there is a problem. We know what the problem is. We eliminate the problem.

We are also under no delusions that this will change anything. We know that whatever chance in hell of making a comeback is now gone. We know that Amazon is where the readers are... because... of course they are. We know we can't change that. We can only hope.

When we start referring to ourselves in the third person, we should be very afraid.

Yeah... I do look at Mercy as a persona. I think Mercy is more me than Marcia is. Marcia is timid. Doesn't like conflict. Doesn't like social anything. Marcia is a people pleaser... who unfortunately hates people. I don't have a real name social media outlet anywhere. I've tried. I just realized that the people I know, or knew in real life are not like me, and I don't like them. So why am I keeping up with people who never bothered to keep up with me? 

So, this is how it is now. Out with the old... but there is no new. 

I have no clue how to start over. So, I won't. Nor do I want to walk away. Mercy is the only name I use online and if I walk away... there's nothing left.

And that is where I am right now. 

I know it's time to change. I don't know how to change. Bridges were burned, some by me, but mostly by others. I have no community. I have no team. I have no one. 

There's more to say. I'm sure there is. I'm not dead yet. There has to be more to say.

Is it too much to hope that I figure my shit out in a new year? 

Probably.

But, for now... here's the news.

I'm working to update the individual book pages, found to the right of your screen if you're on a computer. Check the menu for other devices. I've finished the Scrimmage series pages so far. All major links are there. I would prefer you went through my store to purchase anything. But Smashwords is a great alternative. I have Apple and Barnes & Noble links. And Kobo. You can read everything for free if you have a Kobo Plus subscription. And some of my books are available in the Libby library service (I think it's Libby. Whoever Overdrive supports.) I can't seem to get a book accepted on Hoopla, so there's that. 

I'm still planning to re-release Under a Crescent Moon in the coming weeks. I'm waiting for everything to die down from the holidays to commission new cover art. I'd still like to take the new version into print but still need at least a hundred more dollars for that. And then I'd like to update a few other covers with print options as well. Will need funding for those too. 

But that's next year's problem. 

For now, I'm wishing you a wonderful New Year. With hopes it all gets better. Sooner rather than later.

Peace,

Mercy