It's been awhile since I've lived here. Came to visit back when I was getting ready to leave the website. Decided I didn't want to move back in here. Shopped other locations. Didn't find anything I liked. Spent a month blogless. I don't blog much but I'll have to say, not having the place to ignore at my leisure was really stressful. I started writing long posts on FB. And that's all I really want, is some place to just... emote... I'm a writer. I should use proper verbiage. Not much of a writer though. So there is that.
Well, anyway, if you are seeing this then you now know where to follow me again. I moved back home. I mean, I only had the website because Amazon required it for admittance to their Associates program. And try as I might I never could get the hang of using that, and most everything I chose to link were apparently not commissioned because I barely ever made anything on anything, yet I'd have like 25 to 30 purchases in the queue... so... Going to try this again. Maybe I can go back to the early days of blogging. I can't use the fun hot man pics unless I pay for them and seriously, I don't really feel like I should be doing that anymore. I mean, I'm 55 and almost a half years old. I really don't want to ogle men anymore. It feels... I mean, if that's your thing, then you do you boo... but...
I'm 55, I don't have a thing anymore. I lost it somewhere in the last decade. I had lots of things. Now... I don't know what happened. Nothing excites me. Seriously. I somehow lost myself over the last ten years or so. And no, I'm not blaming the pandemic. It's more than that. Menopause kicked my ass, chewed me up, swallowed and what it regurgitated isn't the same person. And I don't fucking know this person.
So, what do I like now, as a post menopausal person on the verge of empty nesting?
I DO NOT KNOW!
And that my friends, is probably the main reason I stopped writing. I do not enjoy writing relationship books when my own life has been in shambles for a decade now. Funny how becoming successful at something can negatively affect other people. Who knew the people the mean the most could value you less when you achieved something that you'd been steadily working at and talking about and planning and hoping for for more than a decade.
But that's a topic best left for another day.
I am an erotic romance writer. Or I was. Strangely, I never wrote the kind of sex that was intensely erotic by today's standards. I never really did write graphic sex scenes. Some. not many. To me erotic wasn't about sticking body parts in places. It was the lead up to that. I wrote damn good foreplay, that was mistaken for sex. And yes, I was very good at that. I wrote emotions. I was very good at that. Emotions don't vibe in today's market. And... I don't have any anymore. I lost that part of me. And no I don't mean the sex part. I mean, I somehow lost the ability to give a shit about the one thing my books were about... passionate emotions and complex feelings. And no, I don't blame that on menopause, though that is a factor.
In short, I got old.
But 55 isn't old you say... walk ten feet in my body, I say. Live my life. I'm so fucking old now. Old and just beat to a bloody pulp.
But I'm still gonna try to keep this going, even if this is all I write.
My youngest will be 18 in 9 days. I can't afford to give them the party they deserve. They go to college in the fall, it's mostly funded. They'll be living at home because housing isn't funded. We're just trying to hang on to this damn house I bought when I was successful and can no longer afford.
Anyway, that's not what I came here to emote about... but it never is...
In the next few days I'll get the new links up on the book pages. There are a couple of books missing. I'm trying to get everything listed as wide as possible. Still working on getting books listed on Smashwords. Dragging around on Barnes & Noble. I'm still missing a few in my payhip store. The only book that ever sells in there is the twin book. And I'm deeply ashamed of that book, but sometimes, it's what gets the bills paid. I've updated my linktree and will put it in the about me section. I still have to go through everything to remove the old website and switch to this but meh, who really cares!
I'd like to sell enough books to pay my bills and not have to constantly stress about money. That is all I ever wanted. Not to be famous. God I don't want that. I sure as hell don't want to be rich. I'd like to buy some new covers for old books, get a new subscription to word, and not be homeless next month... but anyway, find my links at the end of this post, and in the About Me section, if you can spare a little and buy me a coffee, visit my Ko-fi link, and I'll see you in a day or two.
Thanks for listening.
Peace,
Mercy
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