I hate that I do this. Time impermanence I believe it's called. I have an inner clock like you would not believe. I rarely ever need an alarm or a wake up call. I always seem to know what time it is, give or take half an hour or so. I can't tell you what time it is without looking at a clock, that's not what I mean. I mean... I don't know. It's like I'm highly attuned in the moment. But things like future and past things... those may as well exist in a bubble floating around some metaphysical realm in my brain. December 1st was yesterday or never ago. I did a thing. I posted a thing. I walked away. Thing was always just done in my head. Not a week ago not a month ago. Not really even a day ago. Just ago. It was just Halloween. It was just Thanksgiving. And now it's December 6, nearly a week since I last posted. To me I just wrote that post. I just did a lot of stuff. Never mind that I haven't touched whatever it was that I thought I just did in weeks.
And, unfortunately, people are the same way to me. I just talked to or saw so and so. I just... dude that was a month ago, or a year. But I just saw them or chatted with them. Nope, it's been a long time. People too exist in a bubble. I know they exist. I love them, I miss them, but they're not right in front of me or hovering somewhere nearby, so they simple exist in the last form in which I saw them in a bubble in my little realm of things saved for later.
In other words I have a problem with out of sight out of mind. Things and time have no real object permanence in my timeline.
Okay, think about when you were a kid, and your parents went to work, or you went to school, and you found out your parents went to McDonalds for lunch, without you. And you're upset about it. Because to you your parents had no life outside of you and they just existed where you left them... maybe that was just a me thing too.
I don't know. Apparently it's an ADHD Autism thing. Maybe I didn't know this about myself until I found that side of TikTok and people diagnosed with both ADHD and Autism started talking about their forms of either/and... and a light went on in my little bubble realm. Like, okay, wow. I do this. All the damn time. I've done this my entire damn life. What do you mean it's not normal to have full blown conversations in your head ALL THE TIME! What do you mean that other people exist and have functioning lives outside of my visuals. What do you mean that you can just get up and function without standing on some proverbial crossroad in which you must decide which hyper focus you must choose for the day, and end up hyper focusing on the wrong thing and getting nothing done.??????? WHAT DO YOU MEAN!!!!!
But also what do you mean that it's not natural to wait to the last minute and do it all in half the time it should take. What do you mean you don't understand what I said when what I said was exactly and precisely what I meant and I didn't couch it in some social pleasantry that only you expect. I'm not bossy or rude. I'm just... don't have time in my ever expanding existential crisis of a life to beat around the goddamn bush... and that I remember every damn thing from the time I was 3 years old and maybe earlier and nothing at all at the same time. What do you mean that you don't know how to do this or that or the other thing... it's super easy.
No Marcia, it's super easy to you because your squirrel brain likes to take things apart and put them back together and when you're done with dismantling that you find new things to dismantle... and if you'd just get your fucking SHIT TOGETHER you really could take over the world.
Next week. After we fall down this rabbit hole and learn everything we can about piracy in the golden age or forget where we put that all important craft item we ordered from Amazon but forgot that craft existed while we waited for delivery but now we must do that craft and we can't find the damned sticky on magnets we bought for magnetic bookmarks... and... shit... I was going to write a blog post every day this month... but fucking seriously where the fuck did I put that sheet of magnets when I sorted the craft shit into appropriate places two months ago....... because I must make goddamn magnetic bookmarks or die.
Which, BTW, also explains why you get to the end of my posts and you're wondering why I just ramble and rant and lose the damn plot of the post.
BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS BROKEN AND THIS IS HOW I THINK!!!! and it's not natural but I didn't know it wasn't natural and I thought everyone was like this and it's why I can write such detailed broken characters or I can't write at all because my brain must have it all now and if it takes too long my brain goes fuck this noise and runs off to the ooh shiny hallway and takes out all the other ooh shinies... and wants to buy the tools to make spoon rings RIGHT FUCKING NOW! don't let my brain buy the tools to make spoon rings because I do not like the sound or smell of metal doing anything and we won't even talk about which spoon and fork must be used with what type of food and if I can taste the metal that spoon or fork is dead to me forever.
And now, as that guy whose name I've momentarily forgotten but will remember at some random time and will blurt it out for no damn reason whatsoever said, you know the rest of the story.
No, I actually did not expect to write any of this... what's your point?
Peace,
Mercy
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