Well, here we are. We made it. The turkey (chicken in our case) has been eaten. The dishes have (maybe) been washed. We've braved the sales (there weren't any sales to speak of). And now it's cold (finally!) (also when will this go the hell away? no likey) and tomorrow we start the first day of the last month of this dreadful year.
I try so hard to stay positive. I'm not a positive person. I'm a realist. A lot of people think realists are pessimists. I'm not pessimistic. I'm not. I report facts and how life is working for me. And that makes people uncomfortable. Why am I such a downer? Because Brenda, life has been sucking the life out of me and I am finding it very damn hard to see any silver linings. Well, if you just project happy thoughts you can change so much. Brenda, happy thoughts don't pay the fucking bills. Or stop the shower from spewing water. Or dogs from puking on your couch.
SIGHS!
I know. I KNOW! You get what you attract. I understand this. Doesn't make it easy to stop waiting for the next disaster when the disasters just keep on coming.
Again SIGHS!
I went to Target yesterday afternoon just to get out of the damn house and see what's up for the coming season. I didn't have any money to spend on non-essentials. They got rid of their DVD/Bluray section. It's just gone. They still have music, if you're into albums. I'm not. I didn't like vinyl when that's all we had. Yes I'm that old. I am 8 track old. My first cassette tape was Styx Cornerstone. I still have it. I think at one time I had around 200 cassettes. I think I still have around 50. Not all of them will play. And honestly, I'm not going to risk trying to play 40 year old tape when that stuff would shred brand new. When compact discs came out, it took me a few years but that's been my favorite form of music consumption. Yes, I still like to own my media.
Except books. Don't get me wrong, I still love books. I love the pretty covers. I love the feel of them. I love everything about them. Except for two things: the price. And, I can't see the tiny print to read them. I do prefer the price of e-books, the choices in e-books, and that I can change the font on my e-reader so I can actually read the damn thing.
So, to bring the topic back full circle to Target and the proliferation of books from an author that I think is a terrible writer to the point of having a whole damn shelf in Target and I...
I want to be in fucking Target. That's it. That's what I want. That's what I've always wanted. I wanted to be "real" published. I wanted bookstores and paperbacks and tours back when I was healthy and could walk and didn't look like a melted villain from a comic book. I WANT TO HAVE BOOKS IN FUCKING TARGET!
BIG FUCKING SIGHS!
Yeah, I'm... no I'm not jealous. I was about to say I was. I'm not. Does it bother me that there are books published every day that people love, by authors I think can't write their way out of a paper bag? Sometimes.
But, I know that my lack of that type of career is my own damn fault.
I made choices 15 years ago, to stop persuing New York publishers. I couldn't attract an agent back then. And I went with small press e-publishers and we all know how that went for me.
I am well aware that the loss of my self-publishing career is my fault as well. I couldn't compete with the likes of the author above, because, I don't know, I don't write the style people want to read. I let the constant tragedies in my life destroy my ability to write.
I know it's my fault I'm not in Target.
And I don't know what to do about it at this late stage in the game.
And, forgive me for saying, I don't exactly write the genre that is going to show up in a Target. Yes, I know there are gay books in Target. I know one of the authors regularly sold there. But, honestly, to the best of my knowledge it's only about 3 maybe 4 authors of gay rom/fiction who make it there.
No, I'm not happy about that comment either. Again, I report what I see. And your Target might have a large selection of queer romance, but mine in the lower part of one of the reddest states, that is not the case.
I started out writing M/F romance. I could have stayed in that genre. I liked writing MM. I felt more comfortable with the male POV than the female POV. I still prefer the male POV when writing. I don't think of myself as female. And when I do write female characters, they are women like me. I have tried to do the girly-girls and I can't. I don't identify with them.
Sooo....
You see my dilemma.
I want something that is and has always been out of my reach. I know I have a talent for storytelling. That is not the world in which we currently live, romance wise.
So, yeah... I'm jealous. Of something I can't have. But if I had to try... how the hell would I even start??????????????????????????????????????????
So (yes I'm aware I use so too much) that's my thoughts on this last day of the 11th month of the 24th year of the new millennium.
Here's hoping the 12th and last month will hold pleasant surprises and holiday comfort.
Peace,
Mercy
PS: What do you think of my new banner? Cooked it myself, words and all.
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