Yeah, Yeah! I know!

 The Patreon thing. I know. I'm behind schedule launching that again. And I still plan to do that. 

But about the content of the first book... SIGHS! I tried, y'all. I really did try. I kept trying to jump start a Christmas story. I have a basic idea but it's not translating to actual writing.

Sooo.... I started working on a stepbrother story in February. It's not light and fluffy. It's not smutty. It's kinda like Beyond Complicated but not as out there. I really like the story but it's a tad bit meandering in the middle.

And that is my problem. I get to the middle and it starts meandering and I know it's taking on a mind of it's own and I'm losing control of the plot and I start to lose interest and I walk away.

I have always done this. In the early years I could let it sit for a bit and force myself to go back and read what I'd written and get back in. Most of the stories I started I finished. It was rare back then for me to completely scrap a project.

I think that's the big problem. I have had stories that took over and went where they wanted and that's where the angst and wild stuff came from. That's where the characters took over and told me who they are and what their story was. And that, in turn, brought me to the point that broke me.

Ah, yes, that, again. The oh, she got what she wanted, a decent following, lots of money, and people hanging on pins and needles for her next book... the nerve of this person. 

Yeah, no, if you've never actually wanted that kind of writing career, and never prepared or planned for it, it's very much going to become something you can't handle. I could not handle any of it. I wasn't prepared for that kind of financial, well, anything. You don't go from paycheck to paycheck to pulling in... I  made just under half a million dollars in four years. I didn't know what to do with that kind of money. No I didn't go crazy and spend it all. It wasn't that much money. I put half of one year income into savings to put down on my house. The one I'm about to lose. I paid the bills. Paid off car loans that pre-existed the two extra good years. And took one nice vacation. Just one. The rest went into basic living and bill paying... and taxes. most of it went to taxes. I didn't know  how to invest. I didn't know how to handle the money so that less went to taxes. The last of my savings from the last good year went to pay for my mother's funeral and the legal fees to probate her estate. And that was it. It was all over after that.

It was more than just money. It was instant fame. It was as a popular mainstream gay writer said the first time we met in Albuquerque. "Your readers either love you or hate you, there doesn't seem to be a middle ground." And he was right. The haters I got. I was used to that. It still hurt at how much vitriol there was. It still does hurt. But the other side was hurtful too. The kind of fanning that was actually terrifying. The kind that told me that if I didn't write exactly what they wanted they'd never read another word. The kind that had one whole damn reviewer suddenly start writing hit pieces on me. I had at least two hate blogs written about me. I was tagged in horrible reviews that seemed to be more about me than the story. It was so much more than I could handle. Then the four years of family deaths, one after the other, and it just.... it sucked. All of it.

I wrote. I wanted to write. I'd get to the middle and the story would take off and I knew that was the trigger point for so many readers. I knew that what I wrote after the middle would earn me so much... pick a poison. Love or hate. I write shock drama. I need a mentor. Oh my god I know everyone hated this book so much but I loved it enough to give it honorable mention in my year end round up... (If you recognize yourself, yeah, you are the last reason, specifically you, I don't remember your name but that honorable mention was a backhanded slap, please don't do that again) and... well... so, I get to the middle and I avoid the pain of both of those what ifs by walking away. 

I've done this for years now. I am afraid to finish a story because I'm afraid it will be hated and worse, I'm afraid it won't be hated.

So, here I am... with a half written story that I like that I've been avoiding for a couple of months that isn't like what I've written before, exactly, and definitely isn't one damn thing like anything in the Amazon top 100. So...

I'm going to drop the first part this weekend. I don't have a title yet. I have around 30k finished words. They're not all good words. They're not all bad words. It's just a first draft. It's not smutty. It's not not smutty. It's family drama more than anything. And I want to finish it before I move on to something else.

So, if you're waiting, I'm just a little behind. Things came up this week that has kept me away from the computer. I'm back now and I'll post links when I go live.

If you're still reading, hope this is good news to you.

As always,

Peace,

Mercy