Every now and then I like to start a trend of posting a book a day. Usually, I end the trend after two or three days. Because I am inconsistent like that. Believe me, I know this about myself. It is probably my worst quality. I have other bad qualities I'm sure. I've been told to my face a great number of them. Most of those involve not allowing myself to be a doormat... and I'm bossy. Or bitchy depending on who you're talking to. Why yes I am bossy. Why yes I can be bitchy. I have no patience anymore. I lost that dealing with kids and other people who ignored me when I was nice and only decided to listen after I lost my shit until I just skipped the nice part and went straight to the losing my shit part. As I've said, I'm 55 years old. I'll be 56 in January. I do not give two shits about keeping the peace anymore.
But.... that's not about books. Okay, it kinda is. I'm never going to blame anyone for my inability to write. I own that. I hit burn out. I had too much grief. I let imposter syndrome win. I own all that. But I kinda do blame one person for adding fuel to that fire. No support at home. No respect for what I do or the time I do it in. Tearing down what I physically built faster than I could build it, offering no help in rebuilding. So yes, I do believe there was sabotage on the home front. I purposefully don't discuss my writing with family anymore. I purposefully keep everything I do now to myself. I've spent 36 years in this relationship without one drop of support or thanks for what I've done or accomplished.
The quiet part I keep to my chest. I'm miserable. And I'm done. So, if I have to kick my own ass to get myself back in the game, I guess that's what I'm going to do. I want to write. I don't like what I write. I don't want to write happy beginnings when I've lived the last ten years or so watching a miserable ending unfurl before me. I do explore my own emotions in what I write. So... how do you write in the romance genre when you firmly believe the exact opposite? And that's the conundrum I've been wallowing in. I don't want to write stories of young people, because I'm not young anymore. I don't know what to write. Middle age second chance books? I am past middle age and I don't ever want a second relationship. I would rather be on my own the rest of my life. I've been a single married mother, I can just be single. I want to be single.
God, you know, this is a lot. Sorry. I have spent the last ten years with one goal. Get the last kid grown and out and that's it. I'm free. That was what I was working for. I think the last ten years were when that became obvious. I was working to build something. And now that something is gone. My last kid is halfway out. Not that I want them out of my life, that's not what I mean. I want them doing what young adults do. I want them in school. Building the life they want. I want them to have a safe place to fall back to if needed. I want them to move to the next stage of their life. Successfully. Happily. That's all I wanted for all of my kids. What I wasn't given by my own parents.
But anyway, this was not the discussion I was going to have today. It's on my mind, probably too much. What I need to do is to, as we say here in the south, piss or get off the pot. I have to decide this is what I want and to work to get it back. Or I need to let it go entirely and stop stringing people along.
I'm just trying to keep a roof over our heads right now and pay the bills and... there's no time left for me to find the mental space to create something that won't make me want to slit my wrists.
So what do I want to write?
Not a damn clue.
Not what I've written before. And I know that upsets people. I never want to write another football book as long as I live. I don't even watch football anymore. It's tied up with the shit from the last ten years. I don't want it in my life. And that disappoints people. So I don't write because I don't want to disappoint people. And that disappoints people. I feel I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't and that does not help.
It's time to let those stories go. I say this with humility and hope. Please let those stories go. So I can move on.
I know I'll never write another series. That's the one thing I know for damn certain. I know I'll never write graphic sex again. Not that I ever really did. I was just really good at making you think I did. I didn't. I prefer to write from the male POV but I've wanted to write female characters. I have no audience for female stories.
I'll figure it out. Or... I'll close everything down and walk away. I figure by this time next year I'll have something worked out, personally, so that's the time period. What happens in the next year will be my decision.
And I started this post planning to spotlight that damn twin book.
If you want to read that one, it's in the sidebar, only available through payhip. I might not be there much longer as I work through my shit.
Tomorrow I'll start the book spotlights. Or maybe I'll spew more of my crap onto the interwebs.
As Scarlett said... I won't think about that today, I'll think about that tomorrow. After all... Tomorrow is another day.
Happy Fall Y'all
Peace,
Mercy
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